What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize