you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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