You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
