you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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