You're so nebulous sometimes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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