Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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