I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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