ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
