So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I could make wine with my vomit
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
40s are totally the cure
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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