just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
