Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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