dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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