So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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