she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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