U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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