put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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