my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize