You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
