I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
