I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
