i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
