mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
