Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
