Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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