it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Drunk is not a location!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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