This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
