Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
