So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
