I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
