if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
