I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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