Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
