hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
