at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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