I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
