haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
