Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
