on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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