I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
