my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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