Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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