God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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