She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize