Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize