A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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