i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
