I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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