Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
