it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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