Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
