all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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