May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
