how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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