thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize