Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Still dying that you shit outside
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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