Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
