Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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