so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
