guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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