Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
